You just made me feel so damn special
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize