Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
