Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So squirting runs in the family.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
