i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
