I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I forget how to act sober
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