walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
