She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
