she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
