What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i've created a new STD.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
