You don't have asthma, your pregnant
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
