took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
