Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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