Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I skipped work to stalk him.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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