if you like me you must not know who I am
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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