I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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