I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize