Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize