We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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