after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
