I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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