Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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