My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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