So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
