my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
