SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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