It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
