you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
