uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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