I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
