You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
