You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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