I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
