Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
