u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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