He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
