I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
