i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize