I smell stomach acid.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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