real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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