Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
