I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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