It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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