I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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