Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
