just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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