So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
