some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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