grandma shit on top of the toilet
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
