I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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