I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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