this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
