I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
