So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
