I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
