if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
