This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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