and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
