Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
