I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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