There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
