I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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